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Baby Shower Blues

February 8, 2011, by No comments yet

Dear AKA, I’m pregnant with my first baby and me and my husband and family are all very excited. My Godmother wants to host a shower for me. She’s very nice and I’m sure it’ll be really beautiful but she isn’t back from her winter home until 4 weeks before I’m due and she wants to have it at her house which is over 90 minutes away.  I can just imagine how uncomfortable I am going to be at 36 weeks and I’m also worried about what will happen if I have the baby early and don’t have the essentials yet. What should my response be? My Mom thinks I should call my Godmother and be gracious but she never called to ask me if I am free that weekend.

Ok Soon-To-Be-Mom. I am going to be very easy on you because you are pregnant and AKA knows how that feels and that the raging hormones and emotions can cloud our usually pristine judgment. Here goes.

Call you Godmother and tell her you are SO excited that she is going to throw you a shower and you will try to keep that baby in your belly until she gets home for the summer and she is just the nicest Godmother ever and thank you so very, very much!!

That’s it. All done. See? Isn’t being happy and thankful easy?

Seriously my sweet young Soon-To-Be-Mom, you can’t control this situation. Old ladies don’t ask permission.  They have money. They do whatever the hell they want (can you tell AKA is looking forward to this stage in her life?).  Your Godmother loves you and wants to shower you with gifts and apparently she doesn’t give a hoot if you pop early and she ends up with 100 un-eaten tea sandwiches.  Let it go…she has.

Showers are niceties, not requirements. They aren’t there to ‘provide you with the essentials.’ You’re the Mommy now, that’s your job. Is it wonderful if people buy you some onesies and a Baby Bjorn?  Yes. Is it awesome if your pals at work chip in to get you that ridiculously expensive stroller that you wanted? You bet. But I am assuming that you have a plan to purchase these items yourself because 1. you are about to become a responsible parent and 2. gift giving cannot be controlled any more than godmothers. You will most likely end up with 6 diaper genies, 10 blankets and no car seat (the one thing you actually need) so just go with it. Be glad for whatever gifts you receive and enjoy shopping for the rest.

AKA is going to re-visit this ‘shower’ thing another time. She knows you are preggers and probably need your nap. But watch out there chickens, there’s a diatribe in your future because AKA is not at all thrilled that showers – not to mention weddings and birthdays! - have become excuses for people to submit ‘shopping lists’ to their friends.  Lay down now Soon-To-Be-Mom, take a load off your sciatica and hum a little lullaby and close your eyes and think of babies and godmothers and all you have to be thankful for.  Isn’t that more pleasant than fretting about changing the date of your shower? Sweet dreams….

The Road To Hell Is Plowed

February 7, 2011, by No comments yet

I live on a very crowded street in the city and my neighbor’s plow man keeps pushing the snow from their driveway across the street and into the snowbank next to my driveway. Of course it ends up in my driveway when the town plows come through. I’m infuriated and want to call the police to ticket them (it’s illegal) but my husband tells me that I shouldn’t stir up trouble. What do you think?

Whoa there Mrs. Kravits!  There is actually some middle ground between calling the coppers and just ignoring the situation. Don’t you think maybe, just maybe, you could go and talk to your neighbors?  I know. Sounds crazy right. What is AKA thinking?  Talk to the neighbors?  Actually go over and speak with them? I must be out of my mind.

Come on there snowbunny – get your parka on. Do it. Right now. Time’s a-wastin’! Do not spend one more minute of your precious life wrestling with this pathetic excuse for a moral dilemma. Just go and talk to them and no, you cannot post a message to them on Facebook and no, you cannot send them a text message and no, you cannot put a note in their mailbox. GO TALK TO THEM.  Just a few kind words – maybe do that thing where you give them the benefit of the doubt and say, ‘You probably didn’t realize this but….’  Whatever little white lie you like to pad your visit with sweetness because standing on their step and yelling, ‘j’accuse!’ is not really what AKA had in mind.

Talk to them. Lack of talking – to our kids, our neighbors, our family – is leading to the breakdown of our civil society. Ok, maybe not that but it’s not helping. Avoiding conflict by reporting someone or calling the cops is really just creating a larger problem (unless the people you are reporting are armed and then by all means).  Go chat those neighbors up and be nice and I’ll bet they invite you in for coffee and apologize profusely.

And if they don’t apologize and they are jerkheads in the face of your outright warmth and karmic goodness,  then take your righteous indignation and go straight home and call the police. Completely guilt free.

He That Waits Upon Dinner…

February 6, 2011, by No comments yet

A couple from our children’s school had our family to their house for dinner. It was very nice of them and we had an ok time but I don’t foresee us becoming friends with these people. Does etiquette require that we reciprocate dinner?

Wow a real ‘etiquette’ question. First, pat yourself on the back for even caring about doing the right thing – I feel a renewed belief in humankind already.

But all this ‘caring’ aside, the answer is no.  Seriously darling,  you seem to be quite sure that your relationship with these folks is not going anywhere. Reciprocating would be a bit of a tease don’t you think? If you wanted to be friends – if you went to a concert and or had a family outing to the movies and your relationship grew and you still didn’t reciprocate, I’d take you to task. But if the ‘first date’ didn’t leave you wanting more, what’s the point in stringing them along? Reciprocating merely out of obligation  – not out of friendship or desire to see the other people – can only lead to misunderstanding and possibly even hurt feelings. You’re postponing the awkwardness and therefore probably inflating it. There is no need to continue the charade (pronounced sha-rod cause AKA likes talking fancy), just like with dating, when it’s not a fit, ya’ gotta’ quit. I commend you on your effort and willingness to make new friends but life’s short.  Spend it with those you love. Everyone needs friends and it’s great to make new ones but it can’t work every time.  You know how you and your hubby have been talking about getting together with that nice family you met at the dog park? Do it! What are you waiting for?  You’re gonna’ die you know.

The Objective of Objectives

February 2, 2011, by No comments yet

AKA, I am trying to update my resume and I keep getting conflicting opinions on whether or not I should include an ‘objective’ on the top of the resume. What do you think?

I think ‘objectives’ are dumb. If I am reading through a pile of resumes the only objective I want to hear is that the job you are applying for – the one you want me to hire you for – is the ONLY JOB YOU EVER WANTED IN YOUR WHOLE LIFE! Seriously. If I am choosing between someone with a great CV who is dangling their toe in the water and (utilize Valley Girl voice here) “thinking the position might be a good fit and sounds kinda’ interesting” and a person who says (utilize powerful, grown up voice here), “all I ever wanted to do is be your assistant” well, guess who I am going to hire? Your objective  should be implicit – it should be to get the job you are applying for. If it’s something else, keep it to yourself because if it doesn’t match the job description exactly then your fancy ‘objective’ just became the reason NOT to hire you. Why would I hire someone whose objectives didn’t match the job? I am not your therapist or your girlfriend and I don’t care about your goals in life. You might as well write me a cover letter about how your boyfriend won’t commit.

However, if you get the job, and you knock my socks off for six months.  If you prove to me that ‘calling in sick’ is something you do only when you are actually ill.  If you show me that you are a doer and not an excuse maker. You know what?  I just might start caring about making you feel fulfilled and happy and give you a little mentoring along the way. But telling me your hopes and dreams for your career before we ever meet? Sure, why not? And maybe during the interview we can braid each others hair!

Booty McBootenstein

February 1, 2011, by No comments yet

AKA, my sister-in-law is getting married. It’s in the middle of the winter, at someone’s ski house. The normal wedding attire (at least what I usually think of) won’t really work – there is so much snow on the ground I couldn’t even make it from the car to the house in pumps. However, I don’t want to under-dress and offend anyone. Got any ideas? I know the bride is not wearing a traditional wedding dress but she did go shopping in the city to find something special.

Oh fabulous! An opportunity to muse on one my favorite subjects – boots! Do you have a pair of boots darling? If you do and you love them then let’s use those boots as the foundation for your outfit. If not, hey, it’s February, a better time to get boots for a steal does not exist. Go buy some pretty, pretty boots – and I don’t mean snow boots or Wellies or Uggs! Wear these boots with tights. Now you look sexy, pretty, dressed up and weather appropriate. Wear them when you go shopping for that new dress or that skirt and sparkly sweater combo – it helps to be wearing them when you are trying things on.  No need to dress like it is summer. In fact, AKA detests it when people wear things that are out of season – including those starlets on the red carpet.  I can abide the sleeveless cocktail dress since you presumably walked in wearing a coat but naked legs? Open toed shoes? Pink chiffon? WTF are you people thinking? AKA was at an event the other night where she was surrounded by young girls who clearly didn’t know any better and I just stared at them wondering how they got to the party without succumbing to the cold. It was 12 degrees out – 12!!!  I threw a blanket over a couple of them to save them from frostbite as well as their unimaginable lack of style and common sense.

I am not asking you to give into winter’s grinding grayness and emotionally draining snowstorms (can you tell that winter has AKA in her grip?) and attend these winter weddings and dinner parties in fleece and sensible shoes. But neither do we need to break out the sandals and mini-dresses because darlings, you’ll just look like you went over the edge. Boots! Sexy, hairy-leg-covering, weather appropriate boots! Start with those and you can’t go wrong.

Unsolicited Advice: Care & Feeding of Volunteers

February 1, 2011, by No comments yet

Chickens, occasionally AKA is just too damn whipped-up about something to await the perfect question. I have advice and I need to give it…now! Thus, the occasional Unsolicited Advice from moi.  This morning AKA is musing on something that’s been in her craw lately: how there seems to be some people out there who don’t quite understand the role of volunteers.  Confusion on this issue can often lead to behavior that boils AKA’s blood so let’s review some ground rules shall we?

-Be nice to volunteers.

-Don’t be mean to volunteers.

-Volunteers are not servants.

-Volunteers are people too.

See? That was easy. Why then do so many people lose sight of these little rules?

Whether it’s a part of your actual job or running an event for your kids’ school or you’re helping out at your church most of us – at one point or another – are in the position of being a volunteer, working with volunteers or managing volunteers. A bad vol will want to take over but they are few and far between. A good vol just wants to be appreciated, heard and given direction – mostly they want to help.   I really don’t care if they aren’t following your every detailed instruction or if they are annoying you.  Doing everything yourself is annoying too. Muster all your diplomacy and dig deep to find your ability to give people the benefit of the doubt.  It makes life so much easier. It gives you time to deal with the Cretans when they do come along. It reduces stress.

If you ask a graphic designer friend to make you an invite for your social club’s party, the proper response to her efforts is: fabulous! I never saw anything so beautiful! Of course you can tell her if she spelled the name of the venue wrong but seriously, unless she turns in something in that is offensive or obscene, say ‘thank you’ and fawn all over her. She did for free what she is usually paid good money for dammit! Same thing if you ask someone to cook something for a shelter or help with decorations for a party. Give them the guidelines and then back off and ready the gushing admiration.  Letting the volunteer feel ownership over their project will make them more likely to hang around and more likely to recruit others to help. If you treat them like a number, it will only make it easier for them to quit. Step back and look at the big picture and gather your perspective people – you have free help!  Provide direction of course, but then let it go and just say ‘thank you.’

How Taxing Are Your Taxes?

January 29, 2011, by No comments yet

Some of my friends use an accountant to do their taxes. Some use H&R Block type places. I always do my own, am I missing something?

Probably not.  Ha! Listen, if you can fill out the EZ form and have no assets yet (a house, stocks, bonds, rental income) then keep on keepin’ on. Doing your own taxes is an excellent exercise for your math brain skills and the IRS provides instructions on everything so it’s really not that hard. But as you get older, own property, work for yourself, have children, roll over IRA’s, invest in commodities futures (AKA isn’t sure what that is but it sounds tricky) it gets damn complicated. At this point, you have to measure how much your time is worth versus how much using an accountant costs. It’s the same conundrum people have with landscapers or house cleaners or even babysitters. At what point is the amount you are paying out, eclipsing the amount you are taking in? And visa versa. Make a deal with yourself. If you hate math, pay the accountant (I always suggest going with referrals over walking into a place cold) but save some money and shovel your own snow. If you can’t take one more day of cooking, treat yourself by going out or getting some of those prepared entrees at the grocery store three times a week but save some money by enjoying the Zen-like experience of cleaning your own toilet. Walk your own dog but maintain your sanity by having someone else walk your children at least once a week.  Balance people, balance!

No sense wasting seven hours of your life trying to decipher the tax code – your time is money too. But delegating, or rather the hiring of service professionals, can be a bit intoxicating and addictive. Next thing you know, you are spending more time working to make the money to pay them, not to mention spending the time to manage them. Figure out what you can afford and if you can, delegate one or more of those hated tasks to a professional. After all, life short darlings and, let’s say it together, you’re gonna’ die.

To Party or Not To Party

January 28, 2011, by No comments yet

This Saturday I will once again be spending the day with my five-year old son at one of his classmates’ birthday parties. Every weekend there is another party. Every week the party is bigger than the one before – or it’s an exact replica which is worse. Every Saturday I am getting my son hopped up on sugar and spending time often, with people I barely know. I don’t really know how to work around this without hurting people’s feelings or making my son feel left out. Should I say something to the other parents and try to get everyone back on a saner track? Help!

Oh honey there is only one way out of this and it’s to grow a pair. Seriously, just say, ‘no thank you.’  You don’t’ need to say anything more than that (it’s my job to tell people what to do, not yours).  Let the crazies wander down their crazy trail happily oblivious but,  for the love of all that is holy, don’t follow them!

Let’s give this one the death-bed test. When you are laying on your death-bed are you going to be worried that you didn’t bring your son to enough children’s birthday parties? I didn’t think so.  But you might regret not taking him skating or swimming or sledding more. And you might regret that you didn’t set up a wonderful family birthday tradition of your own that he will carry on with your grandchildren. So show your son that the alternative to ‘not attending’ isn’t ‘not having fun.’ Stop making a big deal about these silly parties and start making a big deal about your life.  Have some real friends over to dinner, get tickets to a family show, plan a visit to a children’s museum and put it on the calendar and count the days until the ‘big event’ arrives.

And yes, AKA thinks these parties are silly – sue her. Raising children to think they are entitled to twenty gifts and a lavish party just for reaching the age of 5? How about when they make it to 40!?!  My favorite is when the parents take the wrapped gifts and put them in the car to bring home so the kids can ‘open them later.’ Listen sweetums’, if Johnny can’t sit through opening 20 gifts – never mind writing the thank you notes! – then he shouldn’t be on the receiving end of 20 gifts.

So don’t bring it up – the silly parties I mean. Unless it’s one of his best friends, skip it.  If he hears about a party at school, tell him you have other plans for your family that day. Share the plans with him. Get excited about the plans. He’ll forget all about the other kids’ parties because he’ll be having fun with the people he should be spending time with - his family!

You don’t need a reason, and you don’t’ need an excuse and neither does he.   Just think about the finite number of Saturdays you have with your young son and say ‘no thank you’ to the party track.

When Family Goes Bad

January 26, 2011, by No comments yet

My lovely, caring husband is having a terrible time with his family. Out of what I can only assume is jealousy, spite and shallowness they have been acting seriously mean and nasty. My three sons, 9-14, are confused and hurt as well and wondering why they don’t see these relatives anymore – relatives they were once very close too. What should I tell them?

Tell them that grown-ups behave badly and just because someone is a family member doesn’t mean they are perfect.  I know that sounds harsh but AKA is positive you can make it sound nicer when you say it.

An AKA rule of thumb is ‘talk to your kids about everything.’ Yes, some conversations should come later than others and age appropriateness is très importante, but believe me, children over the age of 6 or 7 are already becoming aware that there are some grownups in the world who do not behave the way the children are being taught to behave. This is confusing for kids. We tell them to act one way and as they get older they see – clearly – that not everyone is following these rules. What to do?  Talk to them, talk to them, talk to them. Call a spade a spade. Point out the bad behavior – not in front of the person! for the love of god have some common sense! – and acknowledge what is going on. If your kids haven’t seen these relatives over the holidays and you usually do see them, they are already wondering what is up and if they did something wrong. They don’t need gory details. They just need facts. Use it as an exercise in vocabulary building!

Grandma is acting petty.

Grandpa is being ornery.

Aunt Sarah is rapacious.

Uncle Rick is an asshole.

I’ll leave it up to you to choose your descriptors but as with divorces, children need to know that grown up behavior has nothing to do with them and that you too are disgusted with the grown-ups behavior and that it is best for everyone to concentrate on the wonderful people in their lives who are NOT more trouble than they are worth. See? Talking to your kids about grown-ups – even family members – behaving badly is a win-win. Your kids learn how to talk to you and they learn that life is short and worrying about jack-asses is not worth their time.  Make sure your husband and you remember that too!

The American Dream?

January 11, 2011, by No comments yet

Should I stay in my rental apartment or spend all my savings and buy a condo?

That all depends – are you a buyer or a renter? Buying a condo or house has as much to do with your personality as with your finances. Believe me, AKA knows the pain of the Buyer Cult and their brash Nostradamus-type warnings, ‘You’re throwing your money away renting!’, ‘interest rates are historically low, you’re a fool not to buy!’

Someone tried that one on AKA back in 2003. Hmmm…AKA is feeling rather smug about not listening to them.

Who the hell cares how low the frickin’ interest rates are?  If you don’t have enough money you don’t have enough money. AKA is tired of people pushing us all to live beyond our means. What the hell is wrong with renting? Unless you are very sure that you are hanging around the same area for the next ten-year AND unless you are damn sure you have at least $20K  in the bank after purchasing (for things like, you know, a new roof, a new furnace, flood insurance, property taxes – little things like that)  AND unless you are sure you enjoy spending time at home on the weekend actually working on your home then, you are NOT a buyer. You are a renter. Enjoy your lifestyle – you chose it. Perhaps you will become a buyer one day but don’t think you are going to buy something, ignore it and then sell it at a profit 3 years from now when you and your girlfriend decide to pop out a baby or your job moves you to St. Louis.  It doesn’t work that way.