Monthly archive: February, 2011

Don’t Let The Barkers Sway You

February 18, 2011, by No comments yet

To lease or not to lease..again? AKA, I have leased a car for the last three years, and now that it is time to return it, I can’t decide if leasing again is a good option for me. While I feel it was super convenient to have a car that I did not have to worry about for the past three years – brand new car, full warranty etc – now that I am turning it in, I am feeling a little bit of that “was I throwing my money away the whole time” feeling that so many anti-lease people barked about when I originally got into the lease. But without the funds for a decent down payment on a brand new car, I am faced with either leasing again or buying a used car (previously owned they like to say)….and the latter scares me a bit. The threat of repairs, repairs and more costly repairs on top of a car payment seems crazy after having the luxury of the lease behind me. But I don’t want a car payment/lease payment forever!!  Crazy Pants

Classic dilemma there Crazy Pants. The first thing you have to do is step back and stop worrying about what others say. Their priorities are not yours. There is a difference between asking for advice from someone in the know – your Dad, your Ass-Kicking Advice columnist – and allowing the white noise of the chattering masses to influence your decision in any way. So let’s take those ‘anti-lease barkers’ and put them to the side for  a moment. Perhaps in a room. With soundproofing. Ahh…isn’t that better?  Now I can think.

Now let’s look at some facts:

-Owning or leasing a vehicle is expensive! Car insurance and car taxes and registration and gas! Ugh. I’m assuming you have no choice so let’s move on…

-Take a look at a site like Edmonds.com or other sites that talk straight about vehicles and aren’t selling one or the other in particular. The minute you drive a new car off the lot the price depreciates 11%! Just 5 years after you buy it, it’s worth on average of 37% of what you paid for it. Not exactly a sound investment strategy. It cracks AKA up that people talk about buying a car as an investment like they talk about buying real estate. Yes, if you own a house for five years you (hopefully) build equity (at least pre-2006). But that doesn’t happen with a car. Ever!!  It’s like buying anything else retail – it will never be worth as much as it is new.

So there is no black or white which means that whichever choice you make it’s not going to be the difference between you being flush with cash or hitting the skids. As long as you don’t do something stupid like lease or buy a car you can’t afford or buy a car from a sleazebag named Lenny that you met on the internet, whatever decision you make will be fine.  Seriously. No right or wrong so look into some options and pick what makes you feel least stressed:

-Fill out a finance application from your credit card company or bank – they might give you a better rate than the dealer.

-Talk to your dealer about what your end-of-lease options are. Can you buy the vehicle you are leasing now? At least then you know what you are getting right? Can you renew the lease? If you turn the car in, are there fees to pay due to high mileage or damage that might sway you between these choices?

-Buy a new car but a low-cost one and make a deal with yourself that you will drive it for 10 years.

What you want is very individual to you. You have specific needs that don’t change whether you lease or buy; be sure your needs are met. Sounds like you want low cost, low maintenance, good warranty.   I hear ya’.  It is indeed super convenient to have a car that you don’t have to worry about – it’s worth it’s weight in gold to many of us with little or no time to deal with our cars. But that guy who just blew by you in the Jag was not thinking about warranties or low-maintenance costs when he bought his car I guarantee it.  People buy cars for so many different reasons – that’s the only possible explanation as to why there are so frickin’ many of them.  Don’t let other people’s personal preferences and tastes sway you from yours. Decide what your priorities are, tell yourself that this is not a life-or-death situation, and make a decision based on how smart it makes you feel.  Then promise AKA that you won’t think about it anymore – ’cause  life’s too short to have anxiety about a car lease.  Happy driving Crazy Pants!

Unsolicited Advice: Don’t Hide the Valentines Candy

February 14, 2011, by No comments yet

I hid the candy. When I got home from the store the kids were in the house and I didn’t want them to see it so I stashed it. Last night I looked for it for an hour but couldn’t find it. Now I will tell you that AKA’s home is cottage-like in size and as you might expect, very organized and uncluttered (because she is going to die one day and doesn’t want her children having to sort through tiny scraps of paper and drawerfuls of old take-out menus and receipts and yes her children are young but AKA tends to make these  types of things a priority).  AKA prides herself on her tidy home but damn it all I could NOT find that bag!  So the unsolicited advice for today: don’t pick on people with memory problems – it will be you one day!

Have a lovely Valentines Day whether it’s with your sweetheart, your children or your friend.  Send somebody some flowers, call your Mom and/or Dad and be thankful for having people to love. Don’t procrastinate there chickens!  It’s as good as day as any to remember that life is short – enjoy it!

Not The Girl You Think You Are

February 13, 2011, by No comments yet

I’m dating this incredibly nice man. He is so sweet. But I don’t love him. I really don’t think he is the one for me but he definitely thinks that I am the one for him.   I really wanted to give this relationship a chance because in the past I think I was too quick to break things off with men for rather juvenile reasons. Now I don’t know what to do. Am I being too picky and waiting for some silly fairy tale? Am I one of those girls who doesn’t know a good thing when she sees it?

Seriously? I can’t even believe you are asking AKA this.  You already know what I am going to say. In fact, you already know the answer yourself.

It’s very nice that you gave this relationship a chance. Now stop patting yourself on the back for it and do something even more grown up: break up with him. You’re gonna’ die but you know what, so is he. And you’re wasting his time. Be a big girl and break up with him and say good-bye and let him start getting over it. I’m not so worried about you being a girl who doesn’t know a good thing. I’m more worried that you are one of those girls who purposefully dates the wrong men so they don’t have to commit.  You have it pretty good don’t cha’? A nice man, telling you he loves you, but you don’t have to worry about it going anywhere because you know he isn’t the one for you. You don’t have to worry about finding Mr. Right and having to commit because, hey, you’re busy dating Mr. Right Now and congratulating yourself for it. All the fluff and you never feel trapped. Hmmmm….The ‘girl’ who didn’t know a good thing when she saw it might have become the ‘woman’ with avoidance issues while you weren’t looking. Time to step back and assess your motives but first and foremost, end this relationship and let this kind, decent man get on with his life.

Running Girl’s Dilemma

February 11, 2011, by No comments yet

AKA I’ve got a problem. In the last couple of years I took on a new challenge. I ran a couple of marathons. I started off doing it for charity but really loved the experience and the opportunity to push myself. This year I was going to take a break but then was offered a bib number for a really big marathon. I am so excited to run – when I think about it I feel like a kid in a candy store – but my husband is not so thrilled. Asking our friends to sponsor me makes him uncomfortable but I also know he worries about the wear and tear on my body and probably feels a little neglected when I have to go for those 2 hour training runs on Sundays. I’m not sure what to do. I don’t want to discount my husband’s feelings but I really want to run that marathon.

The thought of running a marathon makes you ‘feel like a kid in a candy store.’ You are so weird. Wowsa!

No, I’m teasing. That is really great that you have found something that makes you feel that way. In fact, that’s a pretty special feeling any way you look at it and life’s too short to throw that away. You need to do the marathon and it’s your job to ‘sell it’ to your husband.

I am going to assume here that you’re married to a reasonable man (if you’re not, that’s a problem for another day and probably a whole team of therapists).  Talk to him.  Help him understand how important this is for you.  But also stop and take a moment to recognize that his concerns and feelings are valid they just don’t hold up to your completely irrational love of torturing yourself (oops! that’s me talking again). There is a difference between starting off the conversation yelling angrily ‘you’re such a control freak’ or saying calmly and lovingly, ‘I know you love me and are worried about me getting injured but this is something that is very important to me.’

Marriage is long and a minefield of bizarrely misappropriated emotions. Living with someone and talking about the electric bill and whose family you have to visit on Christmas and whether or not you are mad that he forgot to start the dishwasher – this has a tendency to cloud our conversations about more straightforward things. This marathon thing is straightforward. You obviously love running and it’s important to your emotional happiness. And it’s good for you! The only things that make AKA feel like a kid in a candy store is actual candy…which is most definitely not good for you. Make a compromise Runner Girl but don’t compromise yourself out of getting something that is important to you. Start from a place of love and sell it! Ignore his feelings or worse, just give in, and there will be a giant, steaming heap of resentment sitting in the middle of your marriage.  Sell it well and it can be the Land of Contentment for both you and hubby.

But just always know that AKA still thinks you’re nuts.

Baby Shower Blues

February 8, 2011, by No comments yet

Dear AKA, I’m pregnant with my first baby and me and my husband and family are all very excited. My Godmother wants to host a shower for me. She’s very nice and I’m sure it’ll be really beautiful but she isn’t back from her winter home until 4 weeks before I’m due and she wants to have it at her house which is over 90 minutes away.  I can just imagine how uncomfortable I am going to be at 36 weeks and I’m also worried about what will happen if I have the baby early and don’t have the essentials yet. What should my response be? My Mom thinks I should call my Godmother and be gracious but she never called to ask me if I am free that weekend.

Ok Soon-To-Be-Mom. I am going to be very easy on you because you are pregnant and AKA knows how that feels and that the raging hormones and emotions can cloud our usually pristine judgment. Here goes.

Call you Godmother and tell her you are SO excited that she is going to throw you a shower and you will try to keep that baby in your belly until she gets home for the summer and she is just the nicest Godmother ever and thank you so very, very much!!

That’s it. All done. See? Isn’t being happy and thankful easy?

Seriously my sweet young Soon-To-Be-Mom, you can’t control this situation. Old ladies don’t ask permission.  They have money. They do whatever the hell they want (can you tell AKA is looking forward to this stage in her life?).  Your Godmother loves you and wants to shower you with gifts and apparently she doesn’t give a hoot if you pop early and she ends up with 100 un-eaten tea sandwiches.  Let it go…she has.

Showers are niceties, not requirements. They aren’t there to ‘provide you with the essentials.’ You’re the Mommy now, that’s your job. Is it wonderful if people buy you some onesies and a Baby Bjorn?  Yes. Is it awesome if your pals at work chip in to get you that ridiculously expensive stroller that you wanted? You bet. But I am assuming that you have a plan to purchase these items yourself because 1. you are about to become a responsible parent and 2. gift giving cannot be controlled any more than godmothers. You will most likely end up with 6 diaper genies, 10 blankets and no car seat (the one thing you actually need) so just go with it. Be glad for whatever gifts you receive and enjoy shopping for the rest.

AKA is going to re-visit this ‘shower’ thing another time. She knows you are preggers and probably need your nap. But watch out there chickens, there’s a diatribe in your future because AKA is not at all thrilled that showers – not to mention weddings and birthdays! - have become excuses for people to submit ‘shopping lists’ to their friends.  Lay down now Soon-To-Be-Mom, take a load off your sciatica and hum a little lullaby and close your eyes and think of babies and godmothers and all you have to be thankful for.  Isn’t that more pleasant than fretting about changing the date of your shower? Sweet dreams….

The Road To Hell Is Plowed

February 7, 2011, by No comments yet

I live on a very crowded street in the city and my neighbor’s plow man keeps pushing the snow from their driveway across the street and into the snowbank next to my driveway. Of course it ends up in my driveway when the town plows come through. I’m infuriated and want to call the police to ticket them (it’s illegal) but my husband tells me that I shouldn’t stir up trouble. What do you think?

Whoa there Mrs. Kravits!  There is actually some middle ground between calling the coppers and just ignoring the situation. Don’t you think maybe, just maybe, you could go and talk to your neighbors?  I know. Sounds crazy right. What is AKA thinking?  Talk to the neighbors?  Actually go over and speak with them? I must be out of my mind.

Come on there snowbunny – get your parka on. Do it. Right now. Time’s a-wastin’! Do not spend one more minute of your precious life wrestling with this pathetic excuse for a moral dilemma. Just go and talk to them and no, you cannot post a message to them on Facebook and no, you cannot send them a text message and no, you cannot put a note in their mailbox. GO TALK TO THEM.  Just a few kind words – maybe do that thing where you give them the benefit of the doubt and say, ‘You probably didn’t realize this but….’  Whatever little white lie you like to pad your visit with sweetness because standing on their step and yelling, ‘j’accuse!’ is not really what AKA had in mind.

Talk to them. Lack of talking – to our kids, our neighbors, our family – is leading to the breakdown of our civil society. Ok, maybe not that but it’s not helping. Avoiding conflict by reporting someone or calling the cops is really just creating a larger problem (unless the people you are reporting are armed and then by all means).  Go chat those neighbors up and be nice and I’ll bet they invite you in for coffee and apologize profusely.

And if they don’t apologize and they are jerkheads in the face of your outright warmth and karmic goodness,  then take your righteous indignation and go straight home and call the police. Completely guilt free.

He That Waits Upon Dinner…

February 6, 2011, by No comments yet

A couple from our children’s school had our family to their house for dinner. It was very nice of them and we had an ok time but I don’t foresee us becoming friends with these people. Does etiquette require that we reciprocate dinner?

Wow a real ‘etiquette’ question. First, pat yourself on the back for even caring about doing the right thing – I feel a renewed belief in humankind already.

But all this ‘caring’ aside, the answer is no.  Seriously darling,  you seem to be quite sure that your relationship with these folks is not going anywhere. Reciprocating would be a bit of a tease don’t you think? If you wanted to be friends – if you went to a concert and or had a family outing to the movies and your relationship grew and you still didn’t reciprocate, I’d take you to task. But if the ‘first date’ didn’t leave you wanting more, what’s the point in stringing them along? Reciprocating merely out of obligation  – not out of friendship or desire to see the other people – can only lead to misunderstanding and possibly even hurt feelings. You’re postponing the awkwardness and therefore probably inflating it. There is no need to continue the charade (pronounced sha-rod cause AKA likes talking fancy), just like with dating, when it’s not a fit, ya’ gotta’ quit. I commend you on your effort and willingness to make new friends but life’s short.  Spend it with those you love. Everyone needs friends and it’s great to make new ones but it can’t work every time.  You know how you and your hubby have been talking about getting together with that nice family you met at the dog park? Do it! What are you waiting for?  You’re gonna’ die you know.

The Objective of Objectives

February 2, 2011, by No comments yet

AKA, I am trying to update my resume and I keep getting conflicting opinions on whether or not I should include an ‘objective’ on the top of the resume. What do you think?

I think ‘objectives’ are dumb. If I am reading through a pile of resumes the only objective I want to hear is that the job you are applying for – the one you want me to hire you for – is the ONLY JOB YOU EVER WANTED IN YOUR WHOLE LIFE! Seriously. If I am choosing between someone with a great CV who is dangling their toe in the water and (utilize Valley Girl voice here) “thinking the position might be a good fit and sounds kinda’ interesting” and a person who says (utilize powerful, grown up voice here), “all I ever wanted to do is be your assistant” well, guess who I am going to hire? Your objective  should be implicit – it should be to get the job you are applying for. If it’s something else, keep it to yourself because if it doesn’t match the job description exactly then your fancy ‘objective’ just became the reason NOT to hire you. Why would I hire someone whose objectives didn’t match the job? I am not your therapist or your girlfriend and I don’t care about your goals in life. You might as well write me a cover letter about how your boyfriend won’t commit.

However, if you get the job, and you knock my socks off for six months.  If you prove to me that ‘calling in sick’ is something you do only when you are actually ill.  If you show me that you are a doer and not an excuse maker. You know what?  I just might start caring about making you feel fulfilled and happy and give you a little mentoring along the way. But telling me your hopes and dreams for your career before we ever meet? Sure, why not? And maybe during the interview we can braid each others hair!

Booty McBootenstein

February 1, 2011, by No comments yet

AKA, my sister-in-law is getting married. It’s in the middle of the winter, at someone’s ski house. The normal wedding attire (at least what I usually think of) won’t really work – there is so much snow on the ground I couldn’t even make it from the car to the house in pumps. However, I don’t want to under-dress and offend anyone. Got any ideas? I know the bride is not wearing a traditional wedding dress but she did go shopping in the city to find something special.

Oh fabulous! An opportunity to muse on one my favorite subjects – boots! Do you have a pair of boots darling? If you do and you love them then let’s use those boots as the foundation for your outfit. If not, hey, it’s February, a better time to get boots for a steal does not exist. Go buy some pretty, pretty boots – and I don’t mean snow boots or Wellies or Uggs! Wear these boots with tights. Now you look sexy, pretty, dressed up and weather appropriate. Wear them when you go shopping for that new dress or that skirt and sparkly sweater combo – it helps to be wearing them when you are trying things on.  No need to dress like it is summer. In fact, AKA detests it when people wear things that are out of season – including those starlets on the red carpet.  I can abide the sleeveless cocktail dress since you presumably walked in wearing a coat but naked legs? Open toed shoes? Pink chiffon? WTF are you people thinking? AKA was at an event the other night where she was surrounded by young girls who clearly didn’t know any better and I just stared at them wondering how they got to the party without succumbing to the cold. It was 12 degrees out – 12!!!  I threw a blanket over a couple of them to save them from frostbite as well as their unimaginable lack of style and common sense.

I am not asking you to give into winter’s grinding grayness and emotionally draining snowstorms (can you tell that winter has AKA in her grip?) and attend these winter weddings and dinner parties in fleece and sensible shoes. But neither do we need to break out the sandals and mini-dresses because darlings, you’ll just look like you went over the edge. Boots! Sexy, hairy-leg-covering, weather appropriate boots! Start with those and you can’t go wrong.

Unsolicited Advice: Care & Feeding of Volunteers

February 1, 2011, by No comments yet

Chickens, occasionally AKA is just too damn whipped-up about something to await the perfect question. I have advice and I need to give it…now! Thus, the occasional Unsolicited Advice from moi.  This morning AKA is musing on something that’s been in her craw lately: how there seems to be some people out there who don’t quite understand the role of volunteers.  Confusion on this issue can often lead to behavior that boils AKA’s blood so let’s review some ground rules shall we?

-Be nice to volunteers.

-Don’t be mean to volunteers.

-Volunteers are not servants.

-Volunteers are people too.

See? That was easy. Why then do so many people lose sight of these little rules?

Whether it’s a part of your actual job or running an event for your kids’ school or you’re helping out at your church most of us – at one point or another – are in the position of being a volunteer, working with volunteers or managing volunteers. A bad vol will want to take over but they are few and far between. A good vol just wants to be appreciated, heard and given direction – mostly they want to help.   I really don’t care if they aren’t following your every detailed instruction or if they are annoying you.  Doing everything yourself is annoying too. Muster all your diplomacy and dig deep to find your ability to give people the benefit of the doubt.  It makes life so much easier. It gives you time to deal with the Cretans when they do come along. It reduces stress.

If you ask a graphic designer friend to make you an invite for your social club’s party, the proper response to her efforts is: fabulous! I never saw anything so beautiful! Of course you can tell her if she spelled the name of the venue wrong but seriously, unless she turns in something in that is offensive or obscene, say ‘thank you’ and fawn all over her. She did for free what she is usually paid good money for dammit! Same thing if you ask someone to cook something for a shelter or help with decorations for a party. Give them the guidelines and then back off and ready the gushing admiration.  Letting the volunteer feel ownership over their project will make them more likely to hang around and more likely to recruit others to help. If you treat them like a number, it will only make it easier for them to quit. Step back and look at the big picture and gather your perspective people – you have free help!  Provide direction of course, but then let it go and just say ‘thank you.’